theres all this crazy going on. my head spins, my heart spins, im losing it…but im not losing you. if one things for sure, its that youre still around for reasons. for true reasons unlike all the rest. i appreciate that. i wanted you to know that youre the one good thing. the one good thing i can look forward to, hope for, learn from, decide about, think about, worry about, and continuously love. youre so far away in distance, yet youre the closest one around compared to everyone else. im trying my best to think positively and never lose sight of us. im trying my best to believe. sometimes its hard, cause life tends to bring you down, and so do other people. but not you. its never you. its not your fault im ever sad. and i like to think that its not my fault when youre not happy either. so this note is about me and you. we deserve it. i really wanted to tell everyone how great we are…and that we dont need them and their ways. we can do this on our own. we dont need anything to keep us together but our hearts and our love. and thats another thing im absolutely sure of…i love you so much. these past two weeks ive realized so much in my life, but nothing about you has changed. we are the same. we are okay. and you havent changed my opinion about you. you arent like anybody ive ever known.
of course i miss the way things were, but thats mostly because i miss the other things in life…i dont need to miss you, because i already have you. i miss your presence. but i dont miss having you, because you are still mine…you belong to this heart and i to yours. i miss the way you giggle after you know youve done something stupid. and the way your face looks when youre saying a word you are unsure of and youre already saying it aloud but youre still trying to figure out if you sound dumb or not because youre using it wrong. i miss the way you cant possibly sleep beside me without touching me, and whenever i wake up in the morning, your arms are tightly around me no matter what. i miss the way when youre upset about me and so full of love that youre angry to be without me, or hurt by something weve argued about…you punch walls out. i miss those walls. the holey walls we had to mend. i miss the way you light up around yoyos, and your passion for the grossest kind of pizza. i miss the long pointless walks, which you and i cant handle very well because you “stop and talk” even on the coldest days. i miss the lazy days where we watched one tree hill for hours on end. i miss getting you hooked on that amazing show and i love how you still watch it like the good boy i taught you to be lol. i miss the red mohawk…pain and simple. i miss that you had the guts to get a red mohawk, and that you trusted me to do it. i miss hockey…watching you out there, i am always so proud, im your number one fan. i miss all the drunkeness…need i say more. i miss the parties we threw, or uhh i threw, at your place haha. i miss going out for dinner, and ordering in…its no fun without you there to argue with about what we eat. i miss going to the school late hours of the night to finish YOUR homework. i miss fighting over the computer to facebook…i have it all to myself now and its just not the same. i miss being able to say “you move away soon…” because youre already gone. i miss trying to kiss without making a noise, and all those heart filled perfect hugs. i miss your opinion on what to wear, and i miss giving mine to you. i miss random presents because we are in looove. i miss the fact that it was thought that always made my heart pound. i miss how giving you are…to anyone. i miss going on the dance floor at the bar, and knowing youre standing where you always are on the other side…that youre always there. i miss the light up dice, and the hot hot shower lol. i miss running errands and grocery shopping with my boni. i miss singing to you, and listening to you sing sometimes too…i miss your drunk talks, and all of the sentemental things you enjoy saying at those times. i miss messaging you when you were in the other room, then forcing you to go online and read it haha, and talking to you on msn when we are sitting beside each other, lol. i miss attempting to sing rap songs by reading the lyrics. i miss the green cups, and how there were never any clean forks. i miss sitting in the sun with a beer in my hand, and you in the other. i miss taking care of you. i miss being sick in your bed instead of my own. i miss sleeping in late when you had to get up so early lol. i miss the early morning coffee runs, and all those mcdonalds breakfast sandwiches at 4am. i miss good times like the random road trip to ptb that lead to so much, and was such a ridiculous night. i miss that butterfly feeling i get everytime you touch my face. i miss you blowdrying my hair because im so lazy and youre so sweet. i miss falling asleep to “bd” the playlist. i miss rose petals and candles. i miss hot tubs and messy rooms. i miss the big bed the most. i miss sunday night tv (together)…believe it or not. i miss cutting your hair, and washing your tummy haha. i miss the freckles under your eyes, and the chip in your tooth! i miss tic tac toe late at night when we cant sleep, and i miss the long talks til 2am about nothing. i miss the squeezies in hand holding. i miss the christmas tree on the front lawn, and the broken beer bottles on the road and sidewalk. i miss the crazy neighbours and their crazy shovelling ways. i miss the little front deck, with the two guys drinking beer. i miss highlighting nates hair (i did a lot of hair these past months lol). i miss your tattoo, and rubbing lotion on it when necessary. i miss laughing together…and how blonde i really am. i miss our first kiss, and how it still feels like were having it.
i miss all of these things that have to do with you jason bonisteel, but i dont miss you…because you are still around…just in belleville for a while. i wish we could have these moments back, but there will be plenty of time to create more. and of course i wish that time was now, right this very second…but all dreams cant come true…and since i already have you, id say im doing pretty good.
thanks for always being there, always listening, always trusting, promising and keeping. thanks for loving me for who i am no matter what else changes around us. life is nothing without you, and so im hurting right now…but that goes away the moment i see you again, and i know that now. im sorry if i ever doubted us, its just so hard to believe…its just so hard to live without here. i do miss you…but keep reminding me that youre not gone.
Copyright Laura-Lyn Burrows 2007.
